so busy that...

do you know how everyone writes a bunch of ish on their cover letter when they apply for jobs but don't necessarily mean it?

well mine has always been that i hope to be so busy at my prospective job that i can come home late and tired and not even notice how the day flew by.

well guess what? apparently i was serious. most of you know how busy i've been lately but i secretly LOVE it.

overdue

okay okay so i'm way past my deadline. this every-other-day-posting-thing is becoming unrealistic. you know as your project or job or whatever winds down, you would think your work would too. but not here homie. it just gets worse everyday, but i am greatful to be so busy.... really.... just keep reminding me that i am. so i think i will change my commitment to post ONCE A WEEK, i'll aim for more often than that though.

there's really nothing new:

- i can't wait to get this paper grading out of my life. whoever out there wants to be a teacher... think about it twice i mean really. i think teaching is a scary career choice for someone that is idealistic like i am. you will spend your entire life on trying to reah every kid and of course there will always be some that will fall through the cracks and you won't be able to let it go, you won't be coming home to eat dinner... you won't be sleeping... etc. not to say, that that's whats happening with me of course.... everyone knows i know not to bring work home right?

-serious poll for whoever reads this: who thinks i'm a workaholic? who thinks i have a stress problem?

- i realized today that i am officially stressed. i never knew this though. who knows for how long i've been stressed. i feel like i feel fine but the stress is showing physically. i look like circa fall '05 (for those of you who know what i looked like during those trials and tribulations.....). at least now that i've noticed the physical signs i'll be able to recognize when i've seriously stressed from now on.

- i've been complaining to some that i can't seem to find a job, that is when i find the time to actually speak to anyone. secretly though, deep deep down inside... i think i'm hoping no job will want me. i just don't see me being happy anywhere...

- so far all these points have been negative so i'm sitting here trying hard to think of something positive... OH! I'M PROUD TO REPORT THAT I HAVE THE MOLD SITUATION UNDER CONTROL!! thanks for all your concern, shout out to mommy! i just might be ready for motherhood and all that jazz.

the lowest of the low

i'm back, i'm alive don't worry. after a couple of days off the grid i'm back. lets just say i wasn't feeling too well but its all good now. once again, mannnnnn there goes my record of not regurgitating :(.

in recent news however, i believe i have reached the lowest of the low. now everyone knows i have some issues with maintaining cleanliness at times (lets not even take it back to my freshman days at stony - whew at least the people that have first hand knowledge aren't reading this). i decided today that i've reached a new low though. my mama knows i love her, and lord knows she tried to teach me how to be a good little girl but i always liked playing with the boys and getting dirty better. i'm not even saying that boys live like i have for the past month though. no human should live like this. but without further adieu, i confess my sins:

- i have not washed all my dishes for so long that mold is all over every single dish, even the sink

- today, when i finally went to throw out the garbage, which is near all the moldy dishes, there were so many fruit flies you woulda thought it was a dead body

- i have ate pretty much nothing but that instant oatmeal where you just add water, and once all those bowls and such were dirty... i just stopped eating

- i secretly think all this is what really made me sick, i mean hey we all know mold does bad things... not to mention not eating well (lets not even talk about exercise)

- i finally bought a mop like 2 months ago, i have never used it

- i've only swept once in the 7 months i've been here, with this old broom that was mad dirty and left over from whoever lived here before me (i was too cheap to buy a broom)

*side not on the broom issue, i think it was a combination of being cheap and realistic because i knew i wouldn't use it. i mean i did by the mop and have never used it so far, that equals a waste of money... at least i know myself well right?

as you can see this is whats been good with me.... the honest true story. so if i haven't answered emails or responded to IMs, its cause i've been busy battling myself. i'm trying to give myself a new start today. and yes, i know i know.... i'll never find a husband! lmao

...back to those moldy dishes i go (i haven't actually started washing them yet)

adios

on second thought...

-maybe i only think things are so great here cause i know that its only for a limited time. i mean i know i'm goin home in a few months. would i still be this happy if this was for the next couple of years or indefinite? probably not, i think if that was the case all my old issues would come rushing back.

-i knew i never wanted to be a teacher! i have been grading papers cause long story short as part of a IFESH project, we are working on improving the exam grades of 10th graders at this one rural school. so we are focusing on exam prep and gave them last year exam so we can analyze their answers and see where the problem areas are. but i have been grading this one exam forever. i think it took me a whole hour to grade like 4 papers. smh. never. never wanna be a teacher. i dunno how yall do it.

-so our first round of interviews for the business leadership (BLYP) program was yesterday. five kids. they were great. i mean i don't know what i expected but i could imagine working with all of them. funniest stuff is we rated their applications when we were tryin to choose who to interview and the ones we rated the lowest were the ones we liked the best. this one boy, we decided to include him in the interviews last minute because he had a low rating but he was our top choice after the interviews. guess interviewing is key.

*drum roll for the best interview questions (the catch was that they all had to give unique answers and couldn't repeat was the others said):

-if you could ask us one question about the program, what would it be?

-what would you do if you missed one of the workshops for the program or couldn't complete one of the assignments?

i have this thing of not doing recreational activities by myself

to me, it just doesn't make sense. i promise this is not cause i'm self conscious and i'm worried about what other people think. it just doesn't make sense tho. take dinner, why would you go out and insist on having dinner at the restaurant by yourself when you can just take it home with you. why would you take a trip all by yourself. its all about jokes and memories and there's no way you can be cracking up on your own about that funny thing that happened. its the people that make the experience. humans are social beings.

maybe the real reason i'm talking about this is cause i realize that if it wasn't for other people i probably would never even get out of bed. i think if i was left to my own devices, i would never go out... never travel... never do anything with real effort. feel me? i would just do the bare minimum. i'd do the eat peanut butter/cup of noodles/instant oatmeal/just stay at home/watch tv thing. because if its just me, it doesn't make sense to do any more than that. i only go beyond that when i'm pushed by others and even still i find i have to fight myself to walk out the door most times.

is that a laziness issue or just a personality trait?

could it be? two in a row!

so for those that don't know, i'm starting this program. its a business leadership type development program for grade 11 students here in namibia that need it. i say they need it cause i'm working off the assumption that this program will be the difference between these kids making it, i.e. graduating, or not.

anywho, back to the point. today we (my friend/coworker [charmaine] and i) were preparing for the first round of interviews which are on monday. we are interviewing these kids in groups of five. so usually i'm great at coming up with all these gut wrenching questions that will get to the heart of the matter and give us what we're looking for. but i was blank this time. blank. i was even asking some people for some hard questions they used when choosing people to put on line. clearly everyone's answer was the two are completely different and i need to get it together. but charmaine and i kept debating whether these kids will open up. she says they will end up either sitting there looking blank, just saying "i don't know" or being too uptight to actually answer the question. she works with the same type of kids for this other program she is doing and she said it took months for them to open up. so how do we get them to do so during the time of one interview? i mean, we came up with doing an ice breaker before we begin the interview. the same ole thing though, what is your name and what does it mean? tell us about your shoes (shout out to PBS for the shoe one! lmao). i don't think that will do it though.

the challenge is to get questions that are as simple as possible, english is a problem... but to be able to measure their motivation, their struggles and their commitment to doing the large amount of work they will be getting during the program and expectations afterwards.

any ideas?

2nd nachala (that means beginning for yall non-russian speakers)

so to keep up with my word. i'm gonna make this happen. every other day. i'm focused. hopefully yall will help me out. the reason i actually got to making this post is thanks to some very good friends anyway ;) - shout out to yah!

to take the pressure of this whole blogging thing, i'm going straight to the raw randomness:

- i'm thinking.... did i really make the right decision by deciding to leave and not stay another year? things are getting so good here. as in, i haven't had things going this good in uhmmm, well.... forever?

- i'm officially a workaholic. i'm also being overworked. do you know what that means? that means that by overworking me they are enabling my problem...

-life is really about who you know... i am the last person that wants to admit it but whatever way you look at it, life is about who you know. to get things done, if you know who can do it, it just takes a snap of the fingers. if you know the right people that make you happy, that makes your life. so whether you look at it in a good way or a bad way, life is about who you know.

-ok back to grading these papers. what? grading papers? yup, you heard it here first. anna is doing some teacher ish...

-for all those who don't know, i hate school and i'm not sure if i believe in it. yeah... yeah, i'm one of those that thinks schools stunts creativity.