my book is only one in a long line of volumes...

(windhoek, namibia) i woke up today and miraculously was able to vocalize some things that have been hidden. a thought that's been in the back of my head for a while, i just hadn't verbalized it yet. but here it is:

i am lucky that so many 'could have gone wrong' events (call them turning points if you like) have all laid out in my favor. i could have never seen the ocean, being locked up in a desolate ukraine. i could have never seen diversity, not being dropped in the middle of the most diverse place on earth (nyc). shoot, i could have never came to the states, had my father not been jewish. this is a list that could go on & on based on the many bad and good decisions i've made (since i've been old enough to make them) or didn't make.

the point i want to make is that this series of events, and the future ones that will be associated with them, are all along a time continuum. i'm thinking of a timeline beyond my life span. go back to when jews were slaves. go back to when all the continents were connected. sounds crazy but each event built up to who i am today and to who you are today. if you follow my train of thought so far, you can see what i'm leading up to. the future is no place to get to. time doesn't stop once you arrive at the future. if you know me, you know i have been very anxious about the future. this has apparently been in contradiction to the thoughts in the back of my head.

this morning i realized that it's not anxiety i feel about my future. i am simply want to know what's going to happen in the next chapter. it's not even only my own future, it's everyone i meet. when i meet someone i realize i am meeting them on a certain page of their book. you always want to know how the book started and how it will end. i am simply in suspense to turn the pages of the book. of course i do realize a book is only one in a long line of volumes...